Wednesday, 23 November 2011
It's addictive spilling things when you're faced with people who understand, who know you and who don't judge. It's okay to need people every once in a while, it's okay to need help but if you aren't careful you might become a spilling addict or an advice junkie. But even though I sometimes feel better, something deep inside is not quite right. I was made to...as they say, wander the path alone perhaps. I have been sharing stuff for a while with people I don't doubt like the rest of everyone else, sharing things that eat me up inside but it's too simple. Too simple to believe I can just be set free as if nothing had ever happened. I'm not sure I deserve it. It's awful thinking you don't deserve pain and yet knowing it's the only thing that fits. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. The one month I was told I should wait and analyse is drawing to a close. Yes someone I trust recently told me the human mind flushes everything out in forty days or less. But that's where they have it wrong, they mean the 'human' mind? yup....thanks a lot.
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Lately it's been a very difficult job being me. Sure, being me wasn't a picnic before but people like me grow up in strange ways. We evolve and without knowing, all that we are is exemplified. I've been at my school for about twelve years or more I should imagine, and now that it draws to an end and graduation sneaks near I find myself repeatedly playing all the past years in my head. I'm not sure I'm ready for the world outside, for new people though I've despised most of the ones I grew up with in some way or the other. I'm probably rambling. My track record would show I have something of use to say every time but not this time. I feel so many things. Like I've jumped many many years. Things were so simple last year. I knew exactly who I was and what I could do. I never had to doubt my judgement in any thing that mattered. It was all plain black and white to me. There were never any minds to pick apart, no one was ever important enough to go through the trouble for, anyway. I don't wish that I could go back but right now is not a very good place. It's not all my fault you know. It's not that I didn't try. I tried everything that my nature would allow. Now I'm sort of a shell that's balancing itself on a cliff, just one turn of the wind and there it goes..far into oblivion. Far beyond help and pity. I'm a shell because I've smothered all I believed was essential to my existence. Pride, ego, the never ending need to own things and people, anything worth having. When you have to kill off those things to survive, you become quiet. You don't fight for anything, you just watch it walk by, with a hurt in your being so strong, no words should be able to describe it and no words ever will. I don't even cry any more. In my soul I keep putting shovels and shovels of sand over what hurts me because there is nothing I can do. I don't feel like I've won. Maybe it's finally happened. Maybe I am gone for good. I was telling a close friend how superior it made me, having finally overcome my ego. That sentence is a miserable oxymoron and I knew it. This is what the world did to me. I wish something would put a stopper to it. I've done my time. But I'm still not free.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
I don't know what needs to be overcome. I don't know what has to be done. All I know is that I suffer from holes in the web of my existence so inconceivable that all my life has slipped through. My ego, my measly heart is so much more important than other people, isn't it? More important than their friendships, than what they have done and taken for me. It's always been all or nothing. I've always operated in extremes and that created a false sense of idealism than even I can't live up to and no one should have to. No one should have to live according to my ideals. The balance needs to be found. Or else I stand here, ready to lose everything I love, simply because it won't mould itself into what I want. Where the hell do they create people like me and for what end game? I'm obsolete. And in pain that I can't recall ever having been inflicted before. I'm in the business of survival, but self-preservation is becoming very very costly.
Thursday, 3 November 2011
This week I realized two very important things. Firstly that I'd thought I was guilty and overall something terrible except I have only recently been woken to the fact of how truly terrible human beings can be. So I don't really think I'm so bad anymore. Second, no matter what happens there is always something redeemable to be found. There are still so many beautiful people in the world that have more goodness in them than I ever thought possible, so yes I might never entirely lose my way. Take my best friend Tanya Husain for example.She's the only person who I would hold on to after everything is lost. I never frighten her, she never needs explanations, she's like an island that I can anchor to when I'm slipping and she is constant, always there...smiling that twisted smile in the distance. Kinda like what Lexi is to Stefan in the vampire diaries. I didn't really want a place in this world, but now I will live like nothing has ever lived before. There is a solid weight of rock underneath all my pain, underneath the crumbling surface and I will have to choose to see it amidst all this darkness. And for my sake I will have to remember who I am. And I will. I will very much. :)