Sunday, 27 May 2012
I've totally skipped out on my first Blogger birthday! I started on 17th May last year and am exactly where I was then, outlook-on-existence wise. Quite brilliant I think. :D Some people try to tell me what to do, try to fit me into human moulds, try to tell me to feel better the way their species commonly would. But I am not of any species. No, If being carefree and happy means giving up the way I feel, becoming just like anyone else then I'm sure that would kill me faster than anything else. I'm meant to be something else, happy in my own way and I believe there's a reason I experience things very differently from others. I don't want the sort of happiness that makes me like anyone else or a part of anything. And it's no solitary road I'm on. Someone to whom I might be indebted for the rest of my life for getting me through a difficult time knew this. She knew exactly what to say because she knew that I already had all the answers. I wasn't really looking for anything I hadn't figured out already. I needed a very good look in the mirror.It's true what they say; you're your own worst enemy.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
I've been gone a while I know. Sometimes I think that the blog helps me keep track of myself. When I'm entirely gone, maybe I'll look up my old posts and remember that even though I was in pain, I knew exactly who I was and who I was not. Now I'm not so sure. Need to start applying to unis, need to find my choice of subjects blah blah blah. I've been obliged (being a mild word) to stay in Islamabad. And you've guessed it. There's nothing here. And now I'm never going to get out, nothing is ever going to happen. I will fall into the same obscurity that finds its way into everything nowadays. And I don't believe there's a person in the world who cares about what would happen to me. My mum always taught me that I was so talented, so above everyone else that the world was waiting for me. She was wrong. I feel as if they both knew exactly how it was all going to turn out. And they kept it from me. Or maybe I didn't want to believe the truth then. After all this time, after everything that's been done to me, what a stupid time to find out I'd been betrayed. They've all won, you know. I have lost to them. Me, the girl I held in such high esteem, the same girl who I thought was so strong she couldn't be moulded or broken by anyone. For the first time I find myself wishing I was like them; these people around who I looked at with conceit and scorn. Maybe if I was like them, I wouldn't feel this way. Because I feel inhuman, fixed, cold, hollow. I can't bring myself to be angry. Can't make myself get up, because I don't see the point any more. After a certain illusion ends, I'm not sure how it all goes from there. Perhaps I should relish the feeling of sudden freedom but I feel more enslaved than ever. How do I go back to who I was, and why on earth would that be such a great idea anyway? Who I thought was the light at the end of the tunnel was the very anchor leading me into darkness forever. I let that win too. I let it happen and I'd blame me if it would fix anything. But what should I fix and how? I can't bring myself to retrace my footsteps and figure out where it all went wrong. I hate it here and it's only going to get worse. If I don't make some decisions now, someone else will make them for me.