Friday, 23 November 2012
Everyone knows every now and then what it means to be alone. I've felt it in one way or another my whole life. Today however I realized that I'd never really known what being alone; utterly alone ever was. Today; as I sat crying in my room it hit me with force. The understanding of it. The full extent of it. My hands were cold and my cheeks and ears were blaring red as they always are when I'm hideously angry. It doesn't happen often, I am a pinnacle of self control. I understand what it all meant but some fuse had gone off somewhere. I wasn't afraid anymore and I didn't care and I felt the lesson engraved on my heart. The lesson was that some things are not meant to be forgiven and they shouldn't be. All that crap about how it will bring you peace to forgive someone is like I said...CRAP. There is no peace and there is no humanity in these people and everyday I feel the world around me compromising who I am. And I hate them and him; all the hims. I hate them with every fibre of my being and I'm not ashamed of it and not afraid of being answerable for it. I have nothing but hatred, bitterness and ugliness inside of me and I'm not making any excuses for it anymore. There it is. At least I'm not a manipulative, pathological liar snake. I'm ugly on the inside now aren't I? But I always give fair warning so nobody should imagine things that aren't true. And that makes me better than the rest of them even now. There is nothing inside me any longer and so be it. There was never a point and there isn't one now and there was never supposed to be. What's that long lost saying one hears every now and then? 'I came from nothing so I can always go back.'