Things have been going rather wonderfully for me since the beginning of the year. I hung out with my best friend who studies abroad and who I missed horribly, I had a great birthday, I got into college, got an A in the subject I had painstakingly studied for last year, got a new laptop as a present for recent endeavors (as my parents would put it) and basically saw all my more recent fears go off into a very big puff of smoke. As I wasn't tortured I had plenty of time to wonder why I wasn't really happy. If only it was as simple and stupid as me being the most horrible ungrateful wench in existence. Except I'm not. It is only a few days ago that I realized how detached I had become from myself, that because of unsaid things I had lost a fuse somewhere that I imagine connects one to the land of bliss and stuff.
I have one of the main characters of my book all figured out and yet I feel he must not be put into words, somehow I feel that with him out there on pages for everyone to read, I might feel compromised...like someone has died. But as life would have it, I have already been compromised in my head. With such enthusiam I had gone forth to begin a new life only to realize that the past still held me in its grasp, that it still had a claim. That no matter how hard I work or what I become, I cannot change anything. That it does not in fact change anything. Like I told someone a couple of months ago; all I can see or understand is the dark. And it's only the dark stretching before me now and it cannot end. Not ever.
On an unrelated note I fear my dog of seven years may be dying. He just has that look in his eyes, it scares me a little that I can recognize it. I told Romero to not ever die and he rubbed his furry little head against my hand as I started crying. Such beautiful creatures dogs are, not like people at all. I've been told forgiving lessens the pain, that it makes you feel better but how can one even do it? Write off things like they didn't happen, like they weren't important, like you're so healed and shit. It's not real. Forgiveness, love, peace. It's because I feel their absense that the rest of the world become more and more transient day by day. A glorious road paved with misery, leading to a new hell.
