Nightmarish bondage.

Will it end? I feel the fear strongly now. I barely have it at bay, as it sneers at me in the darkness. It knows that soon it will have its fair share of me and I can't stop it. I can't stop the nightmare. Always the same undertones in all of them and they always find me. How could I be condemned like this...doesn't seem real. Will it never end? It tears me apart from the inside, razor sharp cuts all the way through. Everything else that I have ever faced was external, I can fight the world, I can destroy what threatens me in the outside. My game. My arena. But not inside. I can't fight this, can't fight myself on it. Can't make myself yield, can't turn myself in. It's only me I can never destroy in the outside world. And I'm afraid. Just let this one nightmare be over, and let the next begin.

Game over.

You have to remember what you are. Can't you see the world wanted to play with you? It wanted the most valuable heart in the universe to be out in the open, there for inspection in front of squirmy common folk. The mind of centuries devoted to a mindless cause, a prisoner, when it is that same mind that created prisoners and knew nothing but freedom and nothing about weakness. It is a strange game the world plays, makes you so devoted in its rut that you can't see clear no more. Utter bondage. Pathetic. And it ends today.

Meow.

I'm going to be uploading that little music video I made, here soon. I don't think it's the most technologically brilliant work, but it has a lot of heart. I'm really happy I made it with my best friend Tanya even though I don't expect people to understand all the little metaphors in the video, in fact they'll just look at the apparent simplicity of it. But yeah I don't care. I think it's spirited and beautiful and it's my first try anyway, so it belongs to me.

Art thou a monster?

It is too much to ask. I thought it made me a monster to seek self-preservation. Maybe it did. But I had to save myself didn't I? Can't I make myself understand that I have to do it again? Whoever I ask gives me a long list of what is to be done, I agree with them...Oh how much I agree but they aren't here. They aren't in the dark like me where all the fuses have blown and where there is just me and what of me I have seen in others. Maybe it is myself I can't leave behind, can't move on from. I tried, I have to make myself realize, believe, that I tried, again and again and again. But it is too much to ask from me and I deserve better than to have to see a mockery of my ideals. Does it matter that what is happening and has happened wasn't engineered to ruin me? What matters is what happened to me because those things existed, what I suffered because of it and I can't kill myself off with guilt or say I'm to blame because everything played out in its natural order. It was fate.

I'm not trying to be proud and frankly I have nothing left inside me to be proud about. Inside me the lights are off, all happiness, all joy has the effect that a needle piercing dead skin would have. Sure, what I deal with is a certain level of innocence, but do I not have the right to seek freedom from it? I mean whatever I do it's just me that's getting hurt. I mean people will get over it but I may not if I don't leave now. Is it not right to want to be free, to save myself if that is all it's really about, when my inducement is not the unhappiness of someone else that may result from this?

No one can give me the answer, no one can help me, I see that now. It's like being stuck in a bush of thorns, no matter which way I move they cut me and it bleeds and I can never get out. It ain't their fault, they are carrying out their purpose like they were meant to, without malice or understanding, you can't hate someone like that. It isn't hate or anger that I feel. I'm just different you know, I can't flip a switch, I can't change, I can't make any of this better and you have to know I did everything I could. I did my job. And if there was any other way, I would have taken it in a jiffy, no matter what it would have meant for me.

I'm out of options, I don't want to be this way but I see now that there are just some things I am, that are the best and the worst of me. I shouldn't have to change. There is a better half that I shouldn't have to lose. The only real thing I have is that core, it is me in all my entirety and it ain't all ugly, it ain't all bad. If I talk to anyone I trust about any of this I know what they will say and it will be the right thing to say but can't you see I don't function that way, that I cannot make that apply to me, that I can't take that advice and just walk on smiling. I am my own vault. Bound by my own chains. Tears are running down my cheeks and I am choking on it, choking on my pride. I blame no one, I condemn no one but that doesn't change what I have to do. I wish there was another way, I wish I wasn't condemned like this. I'm not running this time you know, it isn't running. I stayed as long as I could and faced the music, I did what was expected of me to do and I did it well. A spotless record in my conscience. I had myself convinced that I wasn't the painful irony of self-deprecation and the diseased shell of the girl I was meant to be.

I can't forgive myself but at least I'll be alive. Well as close to it as I can be. The pride and arrogance is an act you know, I am nothing but a bundle of naivety and stupidity inside if you were interested to know how I ended up in this hell hole to begin with. Well I'm all talked out. How droll.

Goodbye.

Today I had to practice crying in utter agony for the music video I plan to make. I tried and tried, dug up every painful detail I could muster but I couldn't even feel remorse, I couldn't do it. I don't know what's happening to me. Yesterday I slept for 12 hours, it's the tiredness inside I can't get rid of. I'm disappointed by people all the time, like they've been ruined for me and I hate myself for it. Change is near and maybe it is time to move on.

You bore me.

I'm having those moments again, when I think I'm surrounded by frickin idiots. You can't even condemn them for their stupidity because sometime somewhere you have loved them for just what they were. It is of course like all else, something I should never have done. To have been sentenced to mindless misery by lesser beings...hah. There's got to be something cosmically wrong with that kind of bullshit. I entered the new year with nothing. Whatever I had left I lost last year as the blowing away of houses in a hideous storm. I rejoice in my heartless indifference, that I try to maintain with meticulous scrutiny of myself. Nowadays I'm trying to make a music video for a school competition. Leave it to me to consider everyone else participating to be low-end crap compared to my genius, the only problem being some technical difficulties since I've never even bothered to use a video camera before. Then there's my literature explorative study and possibly some freelance writing project soon. Busy wisy. Possibly good for me, I'm not at my best when I'm given too much time to think. You know how an ordinary empty brain would be a 'devil's workshop', well consider mine to be a huge ass multinational owning abut a billion workshops. I need to be in a state of mind-numbing stress and hyper ventilation as often as possible to keep my head intact. There goes my dream of a long, peaceful life in which I'm only disturbed for award shows. Personally I don't think I'd last long that way. But then again I'm not supposed to last anyway. Fun thought.

Overshadowed by shadow.

'There is an unspeakable evil in the world, you know it, and it's no use dwelling on the details of it. You must work a little harder. Just a little harder. Don't let it win.' - Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. 

There are things people would have been, there are things people would have said, would have done

had they existed as me in my existence. But no, not me. Nothing plays it's part here, no influence, nothing. I am dead, as dead as death which hangs as a shadow over others but which nothing can affect. 

My mind is heavy with a mindless burden and I keep no pretences of salvation anymore. You wanted me finished, you have it. But you won nothing, nobody wins with me. I call the shots, it's me. Always just me. 

The mirrored confusion.

At the risk of sounding like a complete narcissist I've become far too interested in my own appearance. Straightened hair everyday, eye makeup, and such. I was thinking yesterday about how that is all it ever really took to get people's glances at me. First I sort of liked it but then something struck me and dread filled up inside. Screw my mind and any talent, forget what I say, forget what ideas I have about the world, forget any accidental uniqueness but yeah 'hot' will suffice in their stead. I'm afraid I've begun living for the world, adopting their miserable ways of life, inside I burn because I was never meant for 'normal' 'customary' and 'this is how it's supposed to be.' I'm afraid I'm speeding down a road leading to conformity and looking in the mirror in the morning ain't feeling too bad. Gone are the times when I thought my brilliance was enough to excuse my hay-like hair, my fading complexion, my clear, clean eyes with nothing on them. Just more proof I've camouflaged into a world not built for people like me. I might look like a pretty orange peel on the outside but inside it's all rotty. I've been robbed of whatever the hell was used in place of a heart. Like the tiny, glowing sparks after a fire, remorse resides in the emptiness. It is calculated and understood and I've become far too good at hiding it, even from myself. The remains of my makeshift heart view the misery as something the old Bakhtawar knew jack about, the new one puts on a new pair of peep-toe heels and that pretty much takes care of it. I find myself wishing 2011 had never happened, but it did. And it ended too. Dark times lie ahead and sun-reflective cheek highlighter might just come in handy. Everything has an end, and there ain't no harm looking awesome when that happens.

The concept of time in soul years.

Sometimes we want something so badly we can't see it's not meant for us. That's one of the unconscious themes of my entire blog. That life is in constant motion, that there's no telling what great miracle or tragedy is just around the corner sneaky like a Clark Gable smile. That what you feel this one moment is inevitably lost when something more suiting walks by. All you have to do is turn and the entire dynamics have already changed, already been compromised, already been lost. Everything has a ready expiry date, which might not be death if you were thinking of getting comfortable. How true is the kansas song 'dust in the wind', we spend our whole lives clinging to all the wrong things, when you don't have to hold on, when you don't have to give life itself so much power over you. Maybe I say these things to make myself feel better, to remind myself of what I should feel rather than what I do. Maybe the other theme is the idea of eternity and that I will never change and that change is a relative concept. Why love others when you can live like an indifferent, loathing shrew? But hate stems from self-loathing and you can't spend something as transitory as existing with hate and indifference in your heart. My mother always says the only thing worse than intentional cruelty is indifference. And I can't become a shrew to protect myself, I'll just have to take my chances. We all need to be vulnerable every once in a while or else we'll miss out on people that we weren't looking for, except that we needed them more than we realized.