Monday, 20 August 2012

Callings once born.

Ah, Eid. Never quite figured it out. Didn't have a real fascination for the money, one can only stuff themselves so much you know, and you're also a frizzy humidity-struck mess with shiny clothes you don't give a damn about. I hate most holidays...interesting. And don't even ask what I think about my birthday. It's cursed, I'm absolutely certain. 5th January, dead cold, people dying everywhere (drama intended) and a pale girl decides to be born. Pale yet pink and screaming bloody murder.

Work is getting harder and infinitely more irritating. My fingers have cramps and the veins stick out all funny. They're even slightly swollen I think. But I can't give it up now can I. Makes me important it does. Important, skilled...aloof, silly. More than anything I have a sick, incurable hatred inside me that is fuelled by dread. Wasn't made for hate, it zaps my resources. I'm in a chronic bad mood all the time and I just fight with myself to study. No getting into college without a good grade in this subject. I'm no academic genius but blasphemous as it might sound, I pride myself on it. There's no shortage of pea brain, intellect-deprived asses out there with all As in their O and A levels, in fact they seem to grow on trees, bushes more like. But I need that grade right now and I'll do whatever I must to get it.

I want a different life for myself. I want to be far away. I want enough temporary obscurity so that when I come out, I can be who I was supposed to be. When I finally win over this, I want them all to think I never knew weakness at all. Or pain. That I was immune to it, better than them, always better. As if I don't see how they look at me now, searching desperately for a weak point, their beady black eyes looking at me from top to bottom with a strange inner voice.

I have a plan. Sort of what Kira had in the end of 'we the living'. Sure, she ended up shot dead before she made it but it's still worth having isn't it. Life is so long and tedious and the world is so ugly and the people in it worthless. What else does one do with all the time?

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Mental note.

Note to self: the only kind of people about which you can make the extraordinary assumption of trustworthiness are the very evil, nonchalant type of people who care so genuinely little about the world and its values that they'd never think anything is worth hiding.You know they can be trusted because they'd give you a heads up before planning to potentially screw you over. In any case you'd see it coming.They have their uses you see, their unadulterated honesty always has uses. They have nothing to hide hence even their indiscretions are hilarious and you can always have a good laugh with them about it over some tea with a sprinkling of...

Personally I'd choose someone evil but honest over the long ass line of mr and missus goodie two shoes who would like nothing better than to stick you with a fork, out of the goodness of their hearts no doubt. People who show you they don't care but are almost always there if you cry out for help, well you know where that their souls are still flying around somewhere in the realm of humanity.

Don't ever trust people who let you down by their actions but are always there to comfort you with words they've memorized and don't really mean and perhaps they're just repeating themselves for no good reason. Human beings are extraordinarily simple, we've just been looking at them all wrong. Maybe we've all spent too much time looking for something that cannot exist in them. That they can never be. That all those guts and glory films could never quite drum into their heads. Looking for someone perhaps, that isn't there.

It's a long wait. But redemption is a promise, to most of us in any case. Know your cue and take it. There's a whole world out there and it's waiting.

Friday, 3 August 2012

The humanity syndrome.

Every now and then something has the misfortune of happening that gets you questioning everything you know or everything you thought about someone or about yourself. Sometimes you find that everything has so suddenly and irrevocably changed that you have to cling to some prayer beads and pray that the chasm in your head that's split open would stop sucking everything in. It is in times like these that you have no idea what to have faith in, any more. I went to stay with my nani, and I was so ridiculously happy there, she and I are so much the same. The minute I came back however, the same black cloud descended, claiming its rightful place by me. Since then it's all crap once more. How I hate it here, what a surprising thought, in my own damn house. Maybe I hate it all the more now because it all reminds me of what has happened this year and the last. Tanya, my best friend has been a rock for me, so I can just fall on her shoulder and cry about how my life went to the dogs. I knew she'd catch me even if I can't think right any more, even if my soul is giving away, even if I have nothing but ugliness to share. But she goes away soon too, off to college. I don't mind being alone,not really but occasionally one needs people even if just to admire your new heels or the fact that you can do your make up well enough to make someone faint on the street. In some ways I'm a little happier, a little relieved than I've been in a long time but the grief inside me never goes away. What lengths I've had to fall to, to make sure I was still human and hadn't turned into something else, all so soon, all before schedule. Can you make me care now? I'm not the same girl, I feel it. Why do all these special rules apply to me, anyone else can do terrible things without this hideous guilt and grief. Why the hell am I having to be more human than I've seen humans be?