Sunday, 29 May 2011

Malison avenue.

I spent eternity in the pursuit of one idea, only to turn around and realize that I'd never known what wanting anything was like, at all. To find that all the rules had been changed and I was bound to this like the devil has been bound to his boundaries since the beginning of the Earth.

I'm in a fog right now. I wish i could say it's as easy as confusion or boredom but i don't really know what it is. Sometimes it scares me, a whole lot of things scare me. In fact i'm not sure that i've felt any emotion in my entire life as recurrent and disastrous as fear. People say it's natural to be afraid, to be hurt, to love. I say bullshit. Nothing is natural to me, because if i was to go on that, you'd be reading something written by a very very different person. What can i really be, i ask, when all i know is how to be damaged? I learned a long time ago to not live by other people's ideas,to leave them to their mediocre preferences but every now and then i can't stop the hurt. Which is why i would prefer their hate for at least they're putting some thought into that. I can't stand their love because they don't love like i do and they will never be able to convince me they are enough. I want out so badly. I don't belong here, in this house, in this city. Nowhere. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and never come back. Just be like a lost bad memory. Don't you see? I'm one day away from running screaming out of this place. And i would leave everyone i know behind especially my friends without looking back. Because all of them, all of them in their little heartless ways have most painfully disappointed me. All the early mornings i've spent in my balcony looking out towards the river flowing a little distance away from my house, have i wished i was at the bottom of it, to be somewhere where the pain has stopped and i've forgotten everything. Please let me leave. Please let me be done. 


  1. ♥ feel better soon. :(
    and you're a really really really great writer. wow.

  2. Bakhtawar Azam Ali Chohan, I love you deeply.

  3. thankyouu furree katt,i appreciate it :} hahaa and yea im getting around to feeling better.

    AWW nesh i love u toooo!!! <3