You know when I first entered uni, for a while I thought I'd found people like myself. It was what I wanted to believe. I had hated my past and here was salvation at last apparently. I regret to inform you that I am every bit the fool I ever was. I didn't learn a thing from what happened to me before. I successfully set out to make the same stupid mistakes all over again. Maybe for a while I was forgetting who I was. For a while maybe I wanted to try forgetting because it is so difficult being me and making the kind of choices I have to make. It is only recently that I figured out that it is not the same for everyone else. Everyone does not feel pain the way I do, they don't practice devotion and loyalty like I do, they just...are not me. I feel everything much more deeply, excruciatingly. Been watching 'Hannibal' and actually wondering whether I may have an empathy disorder. Could be possible. Anything is possible I suppose. I hate being at home, I have Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays off you see. But then I'm not actually happy at uni either. The thing I seemed to be waiting for is now gone and maybe I'm to blame. The guilt is always mine. No matter what I do or don't do, the guilt is mine.
I decided something today. I decided who I'm supposed to be. It's the easiest thing in the world to give in, certainly I see everyone doing it. But I am not 'everyone' am I? I was never supposed to be. I am better because I can do the things they can't, I can make the decisions they aren't good enough to make, I can take the right path even though it is the most difficult thing I have ever imagined. I can't live in a world where I've bowed down to their filth, somehow crawled in right beside them where they lie. Probably like cockroaches. I'm not inhuman, I'm loving and loyal and kind but the people I know don't deserve it. They will try to live off of it if they can and they are slowly outrunning their purpose and soon I may have no use for them. And we all know what I do with people I no longer have use for. I've accepted that everyone I have ever loved has already betrayed me and the ones that are still lingering about will continue to do so in worse ways than before. I have accepted that I will be betrayed all over again but this time around I can decide whether it affects me or not. This time around I can remember what Bakhtawar Azam was supposed to be, what I made her to be, and I can just silently walk away. I can't help them, I can't do anything and standing by them till they finally stab me in the back as hard as they possibly can is no longer what I do. I no longer keep faith in people. I no longer stand by them, hoping they'll be human again. I no longer do all the bloody chores, hoping they'll see who I am someday and they'll care.
You know that stupid ass line, let someone go if you love em and if they come back it was meant to be or some shit like that? If you love someone you stand by them even if it ruins you. Because that is what love is. It's hell on Earth. If it's so easy for someone to just cut their losses and move on, then their love was never worth anything to begin with. Then it just wasn't good enough. Slowly but surely I'm realizing not much about me is normal, that I'm structured differently. But there's nothing to be done and I'll just have to leave it at that. Survival is all I can do right now.
Thursday, 2 May 2013
Old images used to haunt me but not really, not anymore. All the horrors mean nothing anymore and I no longer have the same dreams. I'm altered almost completely and without doubt and yet not at all. I can't see the dimness of the road ahead, but it doesn't matter to me. The old sadness clings, like a dying friend but now perhaps we have become each other. Parasitic in our inseparability. I remember the old place, the oranges and the grass and the little tunnels with dead leaves. I remember that as the last time I ever felt peace. I also remember I can never make that place exist again, that it's been sullied. That it's gone. But so what? I find myself saying. Whatever mattered doesn't matter anymore. Whatever I loved is and has always been a lie, whatever I dreamed of is no more than a nightmare that knows all the stupid little workings of my mind, whatever I am is unfit to survive for long. Time will keep me together but only for a while. And that while I suppose makes all the difference in the world.