Monday 23 January 2012

The mirrored confusion.

At the risk of sounding like a complete narcissist I've become far too interested in my own appearance. Straightened hair everyday, eye makeup, and such. I was thinking yesterday about how that is all it ever really took to get people's glances at me. First I sort of liked it but then something struck me and dread filled up inside. Screw my mind and any talent, forget what I say, forget what ideas I have about the world, forget any accidental uniqueness but yeah 'hot' will suffice in their stead. I'm afraid I've begun living for the world, adopting their miserable ways of life, inside I burn because I was never meant for 'normal' 'customary' and 'this is how it's supposed to be.' I'm afraid I'm speeding down a road leading to conformity and looking in the mirror in the morning ain't feeling too bad. Gone are the times when I thought my brilliance was enough to excuse my hay-like hair, my fading complexion, my clear, clean eyes with nothing on them. Just more proof I've camouflaged into a world not built for people like me. I might look like a pretty orange peel on the outside but inside it's all rotty. I've been robbed of whatever the hell was used in place of a heart. Like the tiny, glowing sparks after a fire, remorse resides in the emptiness. It is calculated and understood and I've become far too good at hiding it, even from myself. The remains of my makeshift heart view the misery as something the old Bakhtawar knew jack about, the new one puts on a new pair of peep-toe heels and that pretty much takes care of it. I find myself wishing 2011 had never happened, but it did. And it ended too. Dark times lie ahead and sun-reflective cheek highlighter might just come in handy. Everything has an end, and there ain't no harm looking awesome when that happens.

5 comments:

  1. Aww bakhto, so true. And you're always gorgeous to me, with or without makeup! <3
    Imma call youu soon, babe. I know I've been a bit out of touch, but life has this tendency to sweep you along in its wake and make you forget small things like making an effort to stay in touch with people. And you've always been there for me, so I never have to worry that I'll lose you if I don't call you frequently. But I miss youu, so I will soon. Lovee youuu.

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  2. Hahaha you're soo cuteee :D yeah man don't I know it. You never have to worry at all nesh. Miss you tooo, love you man <3

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  3. Dead true in life but u r completely wrong.. Ppl dnt define u from hw u look but what u do. Nd u r defined by ur talent of writing bucko. Nd oh my u r sooo talented u hv no idea:) pretty tu u r nd u gonna get compliments nd praises nd too bad but u gota except all of them cz they cm from honest hearts.:p
    but u know if someone wants to look pretty or be smart or develop their talent they shudnt do it to impress the world, what u WANT to do shud only be done for urself nd noone else, and what u HAVE to do tht u do for the world.

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