Meow.

I'm going to be uploading that little music video I made, here soon. I don't think it's the most technologically brilliant work, but it has a lot of heart. I'm really happy I made it with my best friend Tanya even though I don't expect people to understand all the little metaphors in the video, in fact they'll just look at the apparent simplicity of it. But yeah I don't care. I think it's spirited and beautiful and it's my first try anyway, so it belongs to me.

Art thou a monster?

It is too much to ask. I thought it made me a monster to seek self-preservation. Maybe it did. But I had to save myself didn't I? Can't I make myself understand that I have to do it again? Whoever I ask gives me a long list of what is to be done, I agree with them...Oh how much I agree but they aren't here. They aren't in the dark like me where all the fuses have blown and where there is just me and what of me I have seen in others. Maybe it is myself I can't leave behind, can't move on from. I tried, I have to make myself realize, believe, that I tried, again and again and again. But it is too much to ask from me and I deserve better than to have to see a mockery of my ideals. Does it matter that what is happening and has happened wasn't engineered to ruin me? What matters is what happened to me because those things existed, what I suffered because of it and I can't kill myself off with guilt or say I'm to blame because everything played out in its natural order. It was fate.

I'm not trying to be proud and frankly I have nothing left inside me to be proud about. Inside me the lights are off, all happiness, all joy has the effect that a needle piercing dead skin would have. Sure, what I deal with is a certain level of innocence, but do I not have the right to seek freedom from it? I mean whatever I do it's just me that's getting hurt. I mean people will get over it but I may not if I don't leave now. Is it not right to want to be free, to save myself if that is all it's really about, when my inducement is not the unhappiness of someone else that may result from this?

No one can give me the answer, no one can help me, I see that now. It's like being stuck in a bush of thorns, no matter which way I move they cut me and it bleeds and I can never get out. It ain't their fault, they are carrying out their purpose like they were meant to, without malice or understanding, you can't hate someone like that. It isn't hate or anger that I feel. I'm just different you know, I can't flip a switch, I can't change, I can't make any of this better and you have to know I did everything I could. I did my job. And if there was any other way, I would have taken it in a jiffy, no matter what it would have meant for me.

I'm out of options, I don't want to be this way but I see now that there are just some things I am, that are the best and the worst of me. I shouldn't have to change. There is a better half that I shouldn't have to lose. The only real thing I have is that core, it is me in all my entirety and it ain't all ugly, it ain't all bad. If I talk to anyone I trust about any of this I know what they will say and it will be the right thing to say but can't you see I don't function that way, that I cannot make that apply to me, that I can't take that advice and just walk on smiling. I am my own vault. Bound by my own chains. Tears are running down my cheeks and I am choking on it, choking on my pride. I blame no one, I condemn no one but that doesn't change what I have to do. I wish there was another way, I wish I wasn't condemned like this. I'm not running this time you know, it isn't running. I stayed as long as I could and faced the music, I did what was expected of me to do and I did it well. A spotless record in my conscience. I had myself convinced that I wasn't the painful irony of self-deprecation and the diseased shell of the girl I was meant to be.

I can't forgive myself but at least I'll be alive. Well as close to it as I can be. The pride and arrogance is an act you know, I am nothing but a bundle of naivety and stupidity inside if you were interested to know how I ended up in this hell hole to begin with. Well I'm all talked out. How droll.

Goodbye.

Today I had to practice crying in utter agony for the music video I plan to make. I tried and tried, dug up every painful detail I could muster but I couldn't even feel remorse, I couldn't do it. I don't know what's happening to me. Yesterday I slept for 12 hours, it's the tiredness inside I can't get rid of. I'm disappointed by people all the time, like they've been ruined for me and I hate myself for it. Change is near and maybe it is time to move on.

You bore me.

I'm having those moments again, when I think I'm surrounded by frickin idiots. You can't even condemn them for their stupidity because sometime somewhere you have loved them for just what they were. It is of course like all else, something I should never have done. To have been sentenced to mindless misery by lesser beings...hah. There's got to be something cosmically wrong with that kind of bullshit. I entered the new year with nothing. Whatever I had left I lost last year as the blowing away of houses in a hideous storm. I rejoice in my heartless indifference, that I try to maintain with meticulous scrutiny of myself. Nowadays I'm trying to make a music video for a school competition. Leave it to me to consider everyone else participating to be low-end crap compared to my genius, the only problem being some technical difficulties since I've never even bothered to use a video camera before. Then there's my literature explorative study and possibly some freelance writing project soon. Busy wisy. Possibly good for me, I'm not at my best when I'm given too much time to think. You know how an ordinary empty brain would be a 'devil's workshop', well consider mine to be a huge ass multinational owning abut a billion workshops. I need to be in a state of mind-numbing stress and hyper ventilation as often as possible to keep my head intact. There goes my dream of a long, peaceful life in which I'm only disturbed for award shows. Personally I don't think I'd last long that way. But then again I'm not supposed to last anyway. Fun thought.