Art thou a monster?

It is too much to ask. I thought it made me a monster to seek self-preservation. Maybe it did. But I had to save myself didn't I? Can't I make myself understand that I have to do it again? Whoever I ask gives me a long list of what is to be done, I agree with them...Oh how much I agree but they aren't here. They aren't in the dark like me where all the fuses have blown and where there is just me and what of me I have seen in others. Maybe it is myself I can't leave behind, can't move on from. I tried, I have to make myself realize, believe, that I tried, again and again and again. But it is too much to ask from me and I deserve better than to have to see a mockery of my ideals. Does it matter that what is happening and has happened wasn't engineered to ruin me? What matters is what happened to me because those things existed, what I suffered because of it and I can't kill myself off with guilt or say I'm to blame because everything played out in its natural order. It was fate.

I'm not trying to be proud and frankly I have nothing left inside me to be proud about. Inside me the lights are off, all happiness, all joy has the effect that a needle piercing dead skin would have. Sure, what I deal with is a certain level of innocence, but do I not have the right to seek freedom from it? I mean whatever I do it's just me that's getting hurt. I mean people will get over it but I may not if I don't leave now. Is it not right to want to be free, to save myself if that is all it's really about, when my inducement is not the unhappiness of someone else that may result from this?

No one can give me the answer, no one can help me, I see that now. It's like being stuck in a bush of thorns, no matter which way I move they cut me and it bleeds and I can never get out. It ain't their fault, they are carrying out their purpose like they were meant to, without malice or understanding, you can't hate someone like that. It isn't hate or anger that I feel. I'm just different you know, I can't flip a switch, I can't change, I can't make any of this better and you have to know I did everything I could. I did my job. And if there was any other way, I would have taken it in a jiffy, no matter what it would have meant for me.

I'm out of options, I don't want to be this way but I see now that there are just some things I am, that are the best and the worst of me. I shouldn't have to change. There is a better half that I shouldn't have to lose. The only real thing I have is that core, it is me in all my entirety and it ain't all ugly, it ain't all bad. If I talk to anyone I trust about any of this I know what they will say and it will be the right thing to say but can't you see I don't function that way, that I cannot make that apply to me, that I can't take that advice and just walk on smiling. I am my own vault. Bound by my own chains. Tears are running down my cheeks and I am choking on it, choking on my pride. I blame no one, I condemn no one but that doesn't change what I have to do. I wish there was another way, I wish I wasn't condemned like this. I'm not running this time you know, it isn't running. I stayed as long as I could and faced the music, I did what was expected of me to do and I did it well. A spotless record in my conscience. I had myself convinced that I wasn't the painful irony of self-deprecation and the diseased shell of the girl I was meant to be.

I can't forgive myself but at least I'll be alive. Well as close to it as I can be. The pride and arrogance is an act you know, I am nothing but a bundle of naivety and stupidity inside if you were interested to know how I ended up in this hell hole to begin with. Well I'm all talked out. How droll.