Sunday, 29 September 2013
The nightmares are finally beginning to stop I think. The past three months, well largely skipping out the last three weeks have been like someone died. And not just how someone dies once and gets it over with but how they die again and again when they were just alive, right there...almost a moment ago. Haven't felt like working on my novel, haven't felt like responding to the text messages of my numerous friends, perhaps now they all seem to come with their own set of bad associations. Like I may not even have a bad memory with a particular person but they were there when something good happened and it hurts all over now to think of it. I enjoy the simple pleasures of life, makeup and extra effort on my hair and just quiet cups of tea in the morning and evenings. Have been trying to give myself a break, time to recover from what happened to me. Even though it seems somewhat a little fixed now, I don't think I care about that anymore. I don't think I want what I wanted before. Now, more than anything else my solitude has become me. I've learned how to live without all the countless people that I have today to thank for ruining my life. I don't need them to come put anything right and I don't want them around me. I don't want to think about the future or how where I am is not good enough for me but then again the far set haven of false promises is also not for me. Perhaps right now I am where I'm supposed to be. I am becoming myself again, not needing anyone but being needed, not caring about anyone but having people care about the way they are around me. I'm going deep into my own shell but perhaps it needs to be done right now. There is no reason for me to change the flow, to adapt to someone else's plans and needs. I cannot sacrifice myself anymore because the people we sacrifice for, even if it be our parents, all betray us in the end. The most fundamental element of the human being is not something mushy and gutsy or brave or awesome. Their most fundamental tendency is to betray, to deceive. And I'm not like that. I feel like I need to go away somewhere alone and talk to God or something. I'm not willing to invest in people anymore, I just...don't want any of this anymore. I enjoy the peace, where I'm only worrying about making myself happy. I need this right now. And I'm not giving it up for anyone. I want the past to leave me alone, I need the body to be put in the water and be taken away by the waves and for it to be crushed against the rocks somewhere else. It is time for my suffering to end.