Down that road forever.

Lately it's been a very difficult job being me. Sure, being me wasn't a picnic before but people like me grow up in strange ways. We evolve and without knowing, all that we are is exemplified. I've been at my school for about twelve years or more I should imagine, and now that it draws to an end and graduation sneaks near I find myself repeatedly playing all the past years in my head. I'm not sure I'm ready for the world outside, for new people though I've despised most of the ones I grew up with in some way or the other. I'm probably rambling. My track record would show I have something of use to say every time but not this time. I feel so many things. Like I've jumped many many years. Things were so simple last year. I knew exactly who I was and what I could do. I never had to doubt my judgement in any thing that mattered. It was all plain black and white to me. There were never any minds to pick apart, no one was ever important enough to go through the trouble for, anyway. I don't wish that I could go back but right now is not a very good place. It's not all my fault you know. It's not that I didn't try. I tried everything that my nature would allow. Now I'm sort of a shell that's balancing itself on a cliff, just one turn of the wind and there it goes..far into oblivion. Far beyond help and pity. I'm a shell because I've smothered all I believed was essential to my existence. Pride, ego, the never ending need to own things and people, anything worth having. When you have to kill off those things to survive, you become quiet. You don't fight for anything, you just watch it walk by, with a hurt in your being so strong, no words should be able to describe it and no words ever will. I don't even cry any more. In my soul I keep putting shovels and shovels of sand over what hurts me because there is nothing I can do. I don't feel like I've won. Maybe it's finally happened. Maybe I am gone for good. I was telling a close friend how superior it made me, having finally overcome my ego. That sentence is a miserable oxymoron and I knew it. This is what the world did to me. I wish something would put a stopper to it. I've done my time. But I'm still not free.