Hellish remorse and all that jazz.

I'm blogging too frequently nowadays. I think that's supposed to be a good thing but it feels SHAREY. Sharing never solves stuff for me, it brings out a million repressed things that were better left dead. I've been crying. Maybe it's because at home I feel lonely as well as antisocial. Don't know where I am, I'm not thinking of universities or moving on with my life, I'm stuck where everything hurts. Disturbingly, much of which that bothers me is long past. Something's happening. No, I'm not sure what. Ever thought that if you cut people free they will be better off, ever thought they'd be better off without you? I do all the time. But nothing is simple, how can I need them and not need them so much at the same time? Some of them are like sheep in a ranch. Even if you open the fence wide they won't move. Even if you scream and usher them out they stay right there. Are the ones sticking with me those delusional sheep? I'm afraid, you know. I don't like to be afraid or weak or lost but you can't save me. Sometimes you set people free, untangle the chains and they still keep coming back for you. Maybe they found something in you but I don't believe it. No one can possibly care about me. I'm too different. Too cold. Too sad. The tiredness is back and soon winter will sink in and inflame many of my joints and fill them with fluid. Rheumatism you see. Face your fears my mom always says. Face them all the time. You know what happens when you face them too much in too short a time? They eat away your resistance, they wear you down. And then it takes far too much energy to try and decide whether you are worth saving anyway. I'm tired of questions. Of explanations. Of solutions. Maybe I need a long vacation....maybe a new life...maybe a new place..who knows? I don't want to think. I don't want this anymore. My part in this story needs to be over. And you will forgive me of course, for not sticking around for the ending.